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Procrastination and fear

Procrastination — it’s a word that often carries a weight far heavier than its syllables suggest. For many, myself included, it’s not just a matter of delaying tasks; it’s a battle against time, against our own minds, and ultimately against our well-being.

I have been in the hell of the looming task of rewriting a resume. It seems innocuous enough, a mere item on the to-do list, yet its significance can’t be overstated. And yet, despite its importance, I find myself entrenched in a cycle of procrastination, a cycle that has taken a toll on every facet of my life.

The impact is profound, extending far beyond the realms of simple tardiness. It creeps into the late hours of the night, robbing me of precious sleep as thoughts of unfinished tasks dance relentlessly in my mind. It lingers in the quiet moments, manifesting as an ever-present anxiety that colors every interaction and decision. It’s a weight that I carry with me, a burden that grows heavier with each passing day.

It’s easy for others to dismiss it as mere laziness or lack of motivation. But the truth is far more complex. It’s not a matter of forgetting or neglecting the task at hand; it’s a struggle against an invisible force that seems to hold me captive, rendering me powerless to break free.

Yet, despite the toll it takes on my quality of life, I find myself unable to muster the strength to confront it head-on. It’s a paradoxical dance, a delicate balancing act between the desire for change and the inertia of familiarity.

As I sit with my thoughts, grappling with the enigma of my procrastination, a realization begins to take shape. It’s not just a matter of laziness or lack of motivation; there’s a deeper, more insidious force at play: fear.

Yes, fear — that age-old adversary that lurks in the shadows, whispering doubt and uncertainty into the recesses of our minds. But what exactly am I afraid of? It’s a question that demands introspection, a journey into the heart of my own insecurities.

And there it is, laid bare before me: the fear of rejection. It’s a fear that looms large, casting a shadow over every attempt at progress, every glimmer of hope. But why? Why do I shy away from the very thing I so desperately seek?

The answer, it seems, lies in the fragile balance between certainty and uncertainty. In its current state, my resume serves as a convenient scapegoat, a shield against the harsh realities of rejection. When the recruiters and hiring managers turn a blind eye, I can attribute it to the inadequacies of my resume — a temporary setback, easily remedied with a few tweaks here and there.

But what if I were to rewrite my resume, to pour my heart and soul into crafting the perfect representation of my professional self? What then? The prospect is daunting, for with it comes the inevitable truth: that rejection, when it comes, will no longer be a reflection of my resume, but of me.

It’s a sobering realization, one that strikes at the very core of my identity. To be rejected despite my best efforts is a prospect too painful to bear, a blow to the fragile self image that I’ve worked so hard to protect.

And so, I find myself trapped in a vicious cycle of procrastination, a prisoner of my own fear. But perhaps, in confronting this fear head-on, in acknowledging its power over me, I can begin to loosen its grip and take the first steps towards liberation.

#procrastination, #fear, #MentalHealth


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